Looking back on our miracle

My baby turns toddler today; Sophia is now a 1 year old. I cannot believe how fast time goes. As I look back on my first year as a mommy, I get teary... partly from exhaustion and frazzeledness (yes, that's a word to me), but mostly from remembering the sheer joy, excitement, challenges, laughs, tears, and suprises that Dave and I have experienced in our first year as parents. Every day is a new adventure with Sophia. We could not have been blessed with a more perfect child for us. I know every momma thinks there baby is the best, but Sophie ACTUALLY is. ;)

At this time 2 years ago, I would have done anything in the world to be where I am today...and I mean anything. Ever since I was a little, little girl, all I ever dreamed of being was a mommy. Sure, I had/still have my passions and other dreams of what I want to accomplish, but nothing in this world could take away my heart's desire to have a child. When we lost our first baby on September 26, 2005, I was heartbroken. To feel such joy over finding out I was pregnant to a sudden grief and sadness over losing that baby was difficult to say the least. But we survived. We unexpectently got pregnant again in October 2005 and lost our second baby on January 6th, 2006. Now along with the deep sadness we felt again, came an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Not only had I lost our baby that I'd carried for 2 1/2 months, I'd also lost hope of ever being a mommy. During this time, I really struggled with feeling adequate as a woman and blaming myself for not doing a good enough job being pregnant--- despite the doctors telling me there was nothing I could do. I felt mad at myself for not knowing I would have this issue and marrying Dave-- therefore making it so he too could not have kids-- as I knew this was also his desire. It hurt me so deep to know that I could not have a baby for him when he so desperately wanted a child of his own. He of course was right by my side, holding my hand the entire journey-- reminding me that we were in it together, no matter what. How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing husband?? I struggled with anger at this time-- mostly at the doctor's-- as they refused to run any tests to see what was wrong with me, until I lost another baby... apparently 3 miscarriages is the magic number to have before any tests will be done. Well, we got pregnant again, and lost our 3rd baby on August 26th, 2006. Seeing our baby on the ultrasound- heartbeat strong one day and then watching him lose his strength every couple of days as his heartbeat weakened and finally gave up the fight brought such an unbearable sadness to my heart. We watched our baby struggle and eventually die and there was nothing I could do. nothing. The hopelessness and helplessness I felt at this time in my life was unmatched to anything I'd ever felt before. It shook me to the core. I begged God for a child-- why did He keep taking mine away? My friends were all getting pregnant and having beautiful children, other women were getting pregnant and aborting their child, leaving them, or giving them up for adoption... why them and not me, I cried to God. You promised me the desires of my heart... this is my desire, I cried in desperation to Him. I drew away from a lot of things in life at that time--- spending time with my neices and nephews, other moms, working with the children at church... it hurt to much. I was broken. On the days I was in the nursery, I just cried as I rocked the babies to sleep. It was exhausting putting on the facade that everything was fine, when my heart was hurting so much. I wondered if this was how life would always be-- going through life with a hole I thought would never be filled and dreaming of a life I could never live.

After the loss of our 3rd baby, it was determined that I had a septum in my uterus- a muscle right down the middle- dividing my uterus in half. This caused problems because a baby could only get so big before that septum would not allow any more growth and would cut off the blood supply. This was something that could have been determined and corrected after our first loss-- but again, there's a rule about having 3 first. This was a risky surgery... if the doctors cut anywhere wrong or slipped in any way- this could make it so I could never have children. As it was then, I had only about a 15% chance of having a successful pregnancy. With the surgery, that chance jumped to 80%. So, of course, we went for it in November 2006. As soon as we got the okay from the doc, we started trying to get pregnant... but no luck. We tried for 8 months before finally getting pregnant with Sophia. We went to the best fertility specialist in the state to help us out.

The day we found out we were pregnant again was an exciting, yet terrifying day. The many "what ifs" were racing through my head. I thought to myself, what if it happens again? My heart can't handle any more. We had numerous ultrasounds and tests and everything was going wonderully. Then the scare came. At 7 weeks (September 21,2007) I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of blood. We thought for sure that our 4th baby was gone. We cried and cried until not one more tear was left inside of us... utter despair. We were ready to give up-- our hearts couldn't handle this again. I didn't want to the doctor... I couldn't bear to see another baby with her heart no longer beating on that little screen. We called our parents... we needed prayer now more then we'd ever needed it before. My mom told us how they woke up in the middle of the night that night and prayed for us. They didn't know why, but God led them to pray. Dave's parents had been praying too-- knowing that we needed it, although unsure of exactly why. Mom called my best friend Sarah and my brothers and I will never forget the prayer that my nephew Linden prayed that day-- even knowing so little about the situation- he prayed with his heart to God- "God, I pray that you'll just stick that baby right back inside my auntie Jen". We drove to the specialists office in silence- clenching our hands tightly together- staring out the window in antipation of what was most certainly a terrible outcome ahead of us. We told the doctor that we did not want an ultrasound- as we could not handle seeing a silently still baby again. She told us that it was necessary to confirm- but stated that there was no doubt in her mind that we had lost our baby. I laid there limp- Dave grasping my hand as we cried together. The nurse turned the screen away from us to shelter us from the sight of our child. She suddenly looked up- turned the screen towards me and said "Honey, you're baby is just fine! The heartbeat is strong as can be and there is nothing to be concerned about." Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. I will never forget the hug I got from Dave at that moment. He tried so hard to be strong and be my rock throughout this journey, but the sadness had overtaken him that day and then as the nurse showed us our baby-heartbeat pounding- the relief and joy we felt at that time was indescribable. The nurse explained to me that I had a blood clot in my uterus- much larger than Sophia which had burst and should have killed her instantly. She stated that "this baby is a miracle and she can't believe she survived it". From that point on the pregnancy went great and now here we are with our amazing little miracle.

You know, I don't know if I'll ever understand why God allowed us to lose our 3 babies. I know, God does everything for a reason... even if we don't know what that reason is. When I was young and accepted Christ as my Savior I committed to Him and told him that I am willing to be used in whatever way He needs me to be used-- whether in happy times or hard times. While the pain and sadness I felt when Dave and I were going through this time in our life was very very difficult, I never felt as though God had deserted me. Sure, I asked Him why... who wouldn't? But I always knew that He was up in heaven holding my hand, looking out for me, waiting for me to come to Him and cry on his lap-- like a daddy. He is my heavenly Father- my Abba Father (meaning Daddy), and I felt this love from Him during these difficult times more than any in my life. My sadness was deep and the hopelessness I experienced was very real, but I knew that God would not give me more than my heart could bear--- as He promised in the Bible. And even though my heart's desire was to have a baby, I knew that even if for some reason God never allowed that to happen for us, that eventually I would be okay-- even if I didn't feel that at the time.

God uses circumstances in our lives to mold us into the person he wants us to become. Some of us are more hard headed then others. While the situation was horrible and life changing, God was still able to use it in my life- to form me into a more beautiful person. When we were having trouble getting pregnant after my surgery, after many struggles in my own heart, I finally came to the point in my life, when I felt content. As I was sitting in church one day, I was reading through my Bible-- I know I should have been listening to the message (sorry Dad! :)), but God led me to a verse-- Colossians 2:10. It said this: "You are complete in Him." Wow! It's so cool how God takes you to the part of his word that you need the most. This verse has changed my life and my outlook on what life is all about. In that service, I went and stood outside and I cried. I told God, "God, you know that I want a baby more than anything in the world, but if you choose to not give me a baby Lord, I will be content and I will still serve you." This was a HUGE step in my life. God has always given me everything I ever need or want really... but this one thing--- being a mommy-- was extremely difficult to let go of. That was a true desire of my heart and until that time just before I got pregnant with Sophia, I was unwilling to give God control in this area of my life. I was unwilling to be content if I could not be a mommy. So, it wasn't until that time when I gave that part of my heart and will to God, that he gave me the desires of my heart and blessed us with Sophia.

Looking back on 2005 through 2007 is difficult to relive, but so so necessary to understand what an awesome God I serve. If I did not have God in my life, I don't know how I would have survived the heartache. It's amazing to have a family and friends who pray and encourage me-- not just with hugs and a listening ear, but with God's word-- the only place I can find hope in times like this.

If for nothing else, that time in my life was used to bring Dave and I closer together. Yah, it was definetly hard on both of us and us as a couple, but what better way to test a love then through difficult times. Dave struggled through this time as well, but he was my rock. He listened, he protected me as best he could, he cared and he held me when I needed it most. I could not have found a better man for me.

I always wonder to myself if God used this situation in our lives because he knew Sophia would need that much more love. I remind myself daily of what a miracle and blessing she is and I really strive to take every moment with her in... not taking the little things for granted. I thought for sure after all of this, God would give us a kid who was just a "doozie" :)-- doesn't sleep, cries all day, etc. But nope, we got Sophie. It's cool the way God pairs people up. :)

For my baby shower, my mom got me a sign that hangs in Sophie's room as a daily reminder of the incredible gift she is. It reads "Such a big miracle in such a little girl."

I don't think there's any better way to say it. I don't know what God has planned next in my life, but I'm ready for whatever he throws my way.